


The Secret Of Brian Kinney

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Canon, Drama, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inspired by Real Events, Romance, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-17
Updated: 2004-12-17
Packaged: 2018-12-27 00:36:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12070161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Will Brian's deadly secret rip him and Justin apart?  Will Justin find out the truth about who he is?





	The Secret Of Brian Kinney

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Brian stared down from his apartment window into the yawning void beneath. The ground was obscured by fog, and the gaping emptiness staring back at him mirrored the state of his soul. If he had a soul at all, which was something he often doubted.

The conditions of the day were an apt metaphor for his mood, he mused darkly, exhaling smoke from his cigarette. Brian had never felt this hollow in his life, and wasn't that fucking ironic.

Asleep in his bed was the most beautiful blonde he'd ever seen in his life. Justin was amazing. A true friend, a lover, a partner. Justin would look at Brian and Brian would see nothing but bright blue eyes full of hope and faith. Justin had faith in him, faith that was undeserved. 

Brian turned back toward his bed, exhaling heavily. Justin seemed almost to glow in the moonlight. His pink, plump lips trembled with his every breath, and Brian wanted nothing more to join him there. But he couldn't. He could never again.

_No more violin music_ , he had said, and Justin had agreed. _No more lies_. He'd tried so hard to supress the thoughts boiling in the back of his mind, the voices that screamed,  What about you? You've been lying to him for years, now. When are you going to follow your own rules?

He'd tried, and he'd succeeded. For months. Until tonight, when they been - he hated to admit it, but it was more like making love than fucking, now. Justin had been beneath him, soft and radiant, face flushed a becoming rosy pink. He'd looked up at Brian, eyes so clear, so guileless, and gasped "I love you, Brian, God I love you so much!" as he'd come. It was then that it'd struck him, that he couldn't do this. He _couldn't_.

Justin could never know the truth about him. Because if Justin knew, there was no telling what his reaction would be. Would he be disgusted? Appalled? Would he think of Brian as a _thing_? Brian couldn't risk that. And Brian couldn't risk himself becoming any more of a danger to his baby. He didn't know if someday, somehow, he would turn into a monster again.

He'd tried to convince himself that he wouldn't, tried all the old arguments that Mikey had used on him back when he'd been eighteen and desperate for death. _You're over-reacting, Brian!_ he'd said desperately. _Stop being such a drama queen._ And then, finally, the one thing that had convinced him when all else had failed: Mikey dissolving into tears and begging him, _Don't leave. Don't leave me._

If Mikey - who had been the best person he knew until Justin stepped under that streetlight and into his sights - could love him that much, while knowing the truth, he couldn't be that bad, could he? And he couldn't refuse Michael, not when he'd been crying like that. Not when he'd begged him to stay.

He knew that if Justin asked him to stay, he would. He wouldn't be able to stop himself. Already a harsh pain gnawed at his heart, at the mere thought of leaving his blond angel again.

He couldn't give Justin that chance. He had to stay strong, for both of them. Had to stay strong, because if he stayed, he'd end up telling Justin the truth. Justin wasn't like Mikey; his love wasn't blind. And Brian knew that seeing the disgust in those beautiful azure eyes would kill him inside, like nothing else could.

He walked up to Justin's sleeping form and tenderly stroked the blonde hair. Maybe, someday, Brian would be back. Once he knew whether or not his mission could be aborted, forever. Once he knew if his feelings for Justin were real, or just a cheap imitation of love that rotted in his chest. But if Brian could never discover the answers, then he would never return - the risk was too great, the chances too high. 

Brian quietly and quickly packed a duffel bag, careful not to wake his angel. He took one last look at Justin, beautiful in the moonlight, then left the loft, never aware of the silent tears streaming down his own face.

Justin slept peacefully through the departure, never once guessing the heartbreak that awaited him when the morning came around. He was aware of nothing but his dreams, where he was alone on a beautiful desert island, smiling and laughing with the man he loved. 

The loft remained still and silent. There was no sound but Justin's soft, regular snores; no movement but that of the moonlight, which glided past his pillow to kiss his face, lingering on his sweet lips. The light didn't stop there, however.

The beam stretched across the loft, illuminating the picture Brian had tried to hide in the darkest corner of his lair - Jack Kinney, strange smile stretching his lips, holding his infant son. The baby's happy laugh captured forever in the image, innocent, trusting; and as of yet, unaware of the plans fate had in store for him, and the truth of what he was.


End file.
